I am so in a gay rage right now!

First things first. How much would you pay someone to design an online store where you can sell name brand merchandise, never have to ship or receive anything yourself, never have to handle billing or purchasing, but basically just sit back and watch the "unlimited income" flooding in?

Hmmm… You seem skeptical.

Now, what if I told your website would be professionally designed to look like this, using the latest in design technology:



Interesting! You seem more skeptical than before. Let's continue.

And finally, what if the person cold-called you some random weeknight offering you all this for a "small" one-time investment. On your credit card. And he needs your 3-digit security code from the back of your card to process the payment. Oh, and your social security number for the W9 form. And just a few other personal bits of information to verify your identity.

If you're not yelling, "It's a scam! He's trying to steal your money and identity! Hang up…HANG UP!!!" at your computer display, you're probably my dear, sweet, innocent, naive mother.

Bless my mom's heart, she thought she was making a sound business decision to aide in her retirement years. But she's barely only been online for two years now — and only email at that — so how was she to know scams like this exist or that she could be taken to the cleaners. She only watches Christian satellite broadcasts, so she's not seen the countless Dateline and 20/20 and nightly news stories about identity theft and internet scams out there. Plus, looking back over my whole life, she's always been trying out the "get rich quick" and "earn unlimited income without lifting a finger" schemes that have come along over the years. She's an enteral optimist, where as I, having watched all this happen over the years, am very much not an optimist.

It wasn't until Tuesday night that I learned about my mom's new venture. I was driving when she told me so I couldn't exactly look at it right then or the rest of the conversation would have been decidedly different. And by the time I got home after 11 non-stop hours at the office, all I could do was nuke up some corn dogs and fall asleep while eating them. After years of watching her get rich quick efforts come and go with little collateral damage, I wasn't as worried as I should have been. It wasn't until Wednesday night that I remembered what we'd talked about an I logged on to check out her business venture. The moment the page started loading banner ad upon banner ad my heart sank and I wanted to vomit. Someone had suckered her into thinking pages of banner ads was an "online storefront" and she didn't know any different; she's never bought anything online before. Heck, I don't think she's even googled once!

Adding insult to injury, not only was she scammed into thinking she was joining the exciting world of online shopping and about to make an endless amount of money, but the website looks like shit! Professionally designed my ass, the little link in the bottom of the page pointing back to an online website creating tool proves that it couldn't have been. I've seen better design MySpace pages, and that's saying something. Adding to the nausea was a growing sense of panic and anger…I was feeling the onset of a gay rage. I spent the next 4 hours into the early morning researching as much about the perpetrators of the scam as possible and figuring out how to tell my mom without her thinking I was just dumping on her good idea or making her feel like a fool.

On Friday morning I'd gather as much information as I could and just decided I'd just ask her questions that would lead her to figure out she made a mistake and then help guide her on what to do next for damage control. I had no idea that how bad it really was.

I'm getting all worked up into a rage again so I'll post the rest of this when I've calmed down enough to type without breaking the keyboard and grinding my teeth. Stay tuned…

Guess what I've been doing in the shower!

I'll admit, I didn't come easy at first. But after hearing about it on the radio I just had to give it my best effort. The first couple days were almost painful; it just didn't feel natural or even right. I wanted so badly to tell someone about my experimentation, to see if they've tried it before, but didn't in fear that I might jinx myself and never fulfill my goal. After a couple weeks of careful and conscience effort it started to become enjoyable, and finally just a regular part of my morning routine. What can I say, it feels good! But I still kept it a secret. Actually, I did mention it to Betty midway through my third month, and she was very encouraging but also understanding why I hadn't told anyone. Now, nearly five months later, I'm ready to come clean, so to speak.

I've been successfully practicing the art of the Navy shower! Why? What were you thinking it was? Oh, well now that's just dirty…

I didn't tell anyone sooner because a cookie told me not to, and I'm not one to go against the advice of a fortune wielding dessert. And while I could do a bit better — extra long hours at work has me all tied up in knots and it's taking more mental fortitude not to slip back into the old "Hollywood shower" ways — and conserve even more water, I'm still proud that simply by turning off the water when lathering up or brushing my teeth (yes, I'm one of those people, but I multitask by conditioning my sexy mullet at the same time) or shaving has saved over 1500 gallons of water in the past 60 days, an average of a little over 25 gallons a day! Unfortunately my water company charges a hefty flat service rate with a tiny metered fee on top of that so even though I cut back 33% on my daily water use I'm really only saving a little over $2 each month. But knowing that I've saved that much water already by simply changing a small part of my routine has me wondering how else I could be saving water. Or electricity. Or fuel.

Sure, all the big company's these days are touting about how "green" they've are because it's a buzzword in the media right now. I don't buy it. It's all for show. I bet none of the execs in these "green" companies would ever think to turn off the water while sudsing up. I may not have an MBA from Harvard, or drive a flashy $100,000 car, or make multi-million dollar donations to offset my carbon emissions, but at least I've taken the first step to actually live green in my own life. Well, a little more green. Baby steps, ok?

By the way, I won't even tell you how long it took I spent looking at iStockphoto.com for photos of sailors in showers. But diligence pays off…and I'm all about sharing the wealth, all $2 of it. Enjoy! And when your done, don't forget to take a Navy shower.

Celebra-crushes - TV: non-scripted

As promised, I present the first in my Celebra-crushes series. To get things started I thought it would be best keep things based in reality, or as it's called in Hollywood, "non-scripted television." I find myself watching less and less TV, but the shows I do keep my TiVo's Season Pass with up-to-date, and the shows I look most forward to watching each week, have been narrowed down to three: Lost, Mythbusters, and Top Chef. And as luck would have it, each show features a hottie. Of course the hottie is purely bonus as all three of these shows have plenty to stand on without any eye candy to visually feast upon. I know, I'm going to hell for objectifying these guys like this. Guess that means I'll be seeing all the str8 boys who've been doing the same to the likes of Jessica Alba there too. :)



First up we've got Tory from Discovery Channel's popular Mythbusters. He's absolute tops in my book for a number of reasons:

1. He's a local boy


2. We're almost the same age


3. We're the same height


4. He's worked at ILM


5. He doesn't take himself too seriously


6. It's fun to watch him geek out on projects


7. He's got a wicked sense of humor to match that beautiful shit-eating grin he flashes so often


8. He's an all around handsome guy, even when trying on fancy bras

In fact the only thing working against him is that he's straight. And by "working against him" I really mean working against me. Oh well, no one is perfect and I, for one, am not going to fault him for that. So, Tory, just know that if the whole dating women thing doesn't work out for you, you got a fan on the other side of the fence ready to give it a go. I'd offer Betty to you, but dammit, I saw you first!



Strangely enough, all of the next entires all come from Bravo!, the gayest network on television! Well, not really, but there's still plenty of reasons for the gay boys (and girls) to tune in each week. And Andrew is on Top Chef season four is was one of those reasons. He has reawakened my thing for redheads. In the teaser for the Zoo episode his little animal growl gave me chills in all the right places. I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt that perhaps it was editing that made him appear a bit abrasive at times, but at least he doesn't seem cunningly evil…like the next guy…



Another Top Chef hottie in the same season? Is it possible? It's all a matter of opinion, but since this is my blog, you get to read about my opinion. (But please feel free to share your 2¢ in the comments below.) Perhaps it's his cockiness, or his swagger, but Spike is another visual treat. Clearly he's supposed to be the "baddie" this season, but that doesn't stop me from thinking not-so-kosher thoughts about him. Oh, and he's got a nice pair of legs he likes to feature when wearing shorts. Yum!



New to Bravo this year (I swear I don't work for Bravo or its parent companies or subsidiaries, and I'm certainly not getting paid to say any of this) is a dance competition show called Step It Up and Dance hosted by Elizabeth Berkley. At first I thought this show was going to be a train wreck trying to capitalize on Ms. Berkley's scantily (if even) clad romp on the big screen in Show Girls. Well it turns out that is not a complete disaster, though it is pretty damn campy even for my tastes, but it does offer some more man candy to drool over. Nick is my favorite with his Texas drawl and his asymmetrical smile. He may not be ripped like some of the other dancers, but he's got something about him that ups the crush factor. Plus the boy can dance! And on mattresses no less! Oh lord, now I need a Xanax.



Well you can't have a dance show without having several hot guys, and that brings me to Cody. I'm embarrassed to admit that I'm in lust with his body. Sure, he's got a nice face and personality, but holy biceps, that man's arms are works of art. Or porn. He's from Canada so there's a chance he might also be hung like a moose, but those damn editors seem to favor above the waist shots. Oh well, if the dancing thing doesn't work out I'm sure it won't be long until we see him in Playgirl.



The last celebra-crush for non-scripted television goes to Brian Peeler from (surprise, surprise) Bravo's Work Out. This is another shallow crush based 93% on looks and 7% on his sexy souther accent. So if Tory rates as someone that I'd marry without a second thought because he's a total package, Peeler would be that guy you try to hook up with when he's drunk to fulfill a twisted fantasy. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

There's a couple honorable mentions for this list. The first is Rob Dyrdek from MTV's Rob and Big. I love his laid back and mischievous ways…but he's not nearly shirtless on camera enough. Come on Rob, show off your foxy skater build!

Lastly there's Michael Johns from this season's American Idol. I think he's got the looks to go far in entertainment industry. I wasn't crushing on him as hard as I was Blake from last season (who has all but disappeared from the face of the earth) but he was still this season's hottest guy by far. Screw that little stoner Jason Castro that all the tweeners are wooing over…he didn't do a thing for me, and actually may have undone a thing or two for me.

OK, there's my current crop of crushes on reality TV stars. Coming soon, my crushes on scripted TV show actors. Anyone want to take any guesses who will show up on that list? The comments await your predictions!

I had it coming

So a couple weeks ago one of my coworkers got a traffic citation for not wearing a seat belt. To add insult to injury, he got pulled over just a couple driveways away from our office, so all our other coworkers had to drive past him. I got to the office before he did but that didn't keep me from messing with him once he set foot in his cube.

Well, this last Friday I got mine. Literally. I got pulled over for speeding less than a minute after leaving my driveway. I have no one to blame but myself. So, Maverick, when you get back to the office, I'm now fair game for you to make fun of me.

The officer said I'd find out how much I'll have to pay for the ticket in up to two months. Really? Two months!? Just how many tickets are they dishing out these days?

Practice makes perfect, except when it never will

Four years ago I woke up, turned on the news, and watched in drop-jawed amazement that two women were getting married at City Hall. Not just civil unioned, or committed to each other, but honest-to-blog married! As the reporting continued telling the story of how the couple, together for more than 50 years, now enjoying their golden years side by side, were the first same-sex couple to marry in California, I could feel the emotion starting the rise in my throat as my eyes began to well up. It was finally happening! It was unbelievable! It was moving! The love we could feel for someone the same gender as ourselves was finally being recognized as legitimate and equal to that of straight folks. It gave me hope. And it turned my thoughts to the possibility that I might be married one today too, and that perhaps I should get working on making myself more marriage material. What followed was nothing short of a media circus.

Of course, all this civil equality flying around airwaves was bound to attract the attention of a certain group of dangerous and hateful people — the Christian Reich, natch — and it wasn't long until they were doing all they could to restore the civil wrongs and unequality they were more comfortable with. Their favorite argument for why non-heteros should not be allowed to get married is that it would be a violation of the holy institution of marriage that God* sets forth in the Bible. (*It should be noted that God has never actually put pen, pencil, quill, or any other writing implement for that matter, to any type of receiving media. Nope, not even a dictaphone.) No, the words in the Bible were written by men based on what God told them. Of course, writers never embellish, or impart their own ideas to the prose they write, which is why the Fiction section at Barnes & Nobel is really filled with non-fiction books; turns out the word "non" is very costly to produce so most bookstores only buy a couple and rely on the customer to figure out what's going on. And God was not exact the editor-in-chief of the final Bible — which by the way, does anyone know which of all the hundreds of "versions" of the Bible is the one that is actually 100% Deity Approved? Just wondering incase I ever wind up on Jeopardy, or stuck trapped in an elevator with the Almighty…you know, so we'll have something to talk about — it's not like any of the multitude of writers ever had to turn in their drafts for spelling/grammer checks, edits, and approvals. Have you actually read the Bible? There's things in there that today we realize are discriminatory and unfair. But I digress. Actually I may need to digress twice after that whole thing just now.

OK, so the Christian Reich was complaining that gays were going to destroy the institution of marriage. Hmmm…you mean like the heteros already did? Let's look at the word that gets thrown around the most: institution. The dictionary (or a dictionary, since like the Bible, there's many a version, and I'm too lazy to be more specific) defines it as "an established law, practice, or custom." Well, here on earth, humans make/enforce the law, so there's strike one against that defense. Practice? Well, I often hear how hard marriage can be and that it's it requires constant work to get right…some might go far as to say it takes practice. Strike two. The last one is custom…which is really just a fancy way of explain a societal habit, and we all know that there's both good and bad habits, so…. Well, by my scorecard, that would be strike three. But lets say the for the sake of argument that it really can be considered an institution, and one that in today's world could even be deemed "holy." Maybe they've got a case with that…and if you ignored the divorce rate here (around 40% on average) you might be on to something. Now I've been to many weddings in my life, and all of them have had something in common…the vows. Sure they get phrased differently, but at heart they all say the same thing. Yet hundreds of thousands of people of all kinds of faiths file for divorce. So right there I have a hard time accepting that people get married because it's a holy institution. And what about atheists? Or Buddhists? Or any other faith that doesn't follow the Christian Bible as part of its doctrine? They can get married. And don't even get me started on Vegas…drive through window at the wedding chapel anyone? Heck, you don't even need to be sober to get married! So really, let's put down the word "holy" and back away slowly. Clearly it's just being wielded as a word weapon to scare the government from getting involved and making things fair. I'm sure the people who are raising a stink against gay marriage would be just as happy if the government made slavery legal again and took away a woman's right to vote.

But the government is involved in marriage. You have to get a marriage license for the city, state, country, world to recognize that you and your spouse are, um, spouses. You taxes are filed differently than single folk. And you get to register for gifts you want people to buy you that you'll use once and then forget about in the back of the cupboard until you're dividing up your possessions post divorce proceedings. Ok, that last one doesn't have anything to do with government.j

So where does that leave us? It leaves me wondering why heteros are so hyped up on the whole marriage thing if it's not really a holy institution that will be torn apart should gay people be allowed to join in. Gay people are expected to make do with civil unions, like it's something special just for us. Well, if it's so special, why aren't more straight people civil unioning it up? At least then they won't be tearing apart their own holy institution with their infidelities, spousal abuse, or boredom, right? But still marriage is a big deal to straighties, so there must me something more to getting married than meets the eye, or the press release of the anti-gay marriage activist group.

But the same-sex marriages performed four years ago were eventually nullified prompting legal action in attempt to restore that brief moment of equality. Days, weeks, months, years passed. And then, today, the headlines we've been hoping for, but never knowing for sure it would happen…"California Supreme Court Overturns Gay Marriage Ban" Once again I found myself watching the news, heartwarming stories of long-time loves, the promise equality. But this time it was different. Almost immediately I felt my cynical side step in. Maybe it's because part of me is expecting history to repeat itself and watch this get dragged back to court only to have the ban reinstated. Maybe it's because part of me is apprehensive that all gay marriages are going to be studied under a microscope and every little flaw or defect is going to be publicly denounced (while straight celebs book appearances on the late night talkshow circuit to talk about their ex-boy/girlfriend, their new boy/girlfriend, and, if time permits, their pending divorce). Or maybe it's because I'm doubtful that love can last longer than a lifetime…I'm not sure if I can love someone that long anymore. Aside from that couple on the news four years ago, the gay community doesn't exactly have role models to look to. Then again, I'm not sure it's much better over in heteroville either…I'm looking at you, Britney Spears.

Well, what as going to be just a short bit of reminiscing turned into my brain puking it guts out until it was left dry heaving on the tile floor of the interweb. Sorry for that. But my point is, and I do have one, is that restricting marriage to one group of people because another group might mess it up (or worse, set a higher standard for the first group to live up to) is just stupid. Marriage is not a perfect anything, and all the practice in the world won't make it perfect. It all comes down loving another person so much that you want to legally bind yourself to them for as long as you both shall live. As in forever. Or if you're a celebrity, at least 20 minutes.

Decisions, decisions…

Last month I asked the Universe what it was up to. You know, the whole, things felt like they were slightly askew, that a shift was happening? Well, leave it to the Universe to pull the ol' Let's Make a Deal trick and present me with two possible doors to choose from and the prizes on the other side equally desirable.

Door #1: The possibility of something different and a change of pace, yet still somewhat familiar and a more defined path, but at the same wouldn't offer any opportunities to see more of the world

Door #2: The chance to really change things up, go in a uniquely different direction, revisit a dormant passion and also fulfill a personal goal of traveling, but without a definite path for the future

Each door has it's pros and cons. Each door provides a solution to a current life issue, but neither offers a total solution. My gut is split 50/50 on what to do.

One needs a quick response, is more of a sure thing, but doesn't put me closer to my goals. The other could take a while to play out and would meet my goal of travel, but is far from a sure thing.

Oh, Universe, you are ever the trickster. You're never going to give a guy a break, huh?