The glum chum dilemma

I'm vexed. Probably shouldn't be, but I am. It seems that the towering projects, working lunches, and late nights and weekends at the office have had an unusual and completely unexpected benefit. They've all kept me siloed and, as a result, presented me with a different perspective on my relationships not only at work, but outside of it (what little there is at the moment) as well. And this is what vexes me. I didn't want to consider an alternate perspective. Was content in letting myself take comfort in the grand vistas while subconsciously avoiding the warning signs that perhaps I'm really just going down the same path I've been many times before that will ultimately end with me broken at the bottom of an emotional chasm. Too melodramatic?

Not sure why, but for some reason people like to open up to me, spill the beans, sing me their sad song, etcetera. I'm their bartender but without the booze, bar tab, or pickled eggs. And I enjoy listening to them, the intimate connection that is formed by the private communication involved and the ensuing friendship that comes along with that. Can I help them? Unless it has something to do with the Adobe Creative Suite or setting up a home theater, usually not. But sometimes just knowing that there's another soul to talk to can be enough to make them feel better I guess. I pride myself in locking away their confessions, complaints, and confidential matters not to share with another soul. The ace up my sleeve, but only for these situations is it really useful, is that my memory is like a steel trap — one rusted and stuck in the open position — so half of the time I forget the conversation completely, and if not entirely, than just the important parts.

So how does my emotional bar tending end up with me at the bottom of melodramatic proportions? Simple…it's when said connection becomes unidirectional and the balance shifts from that of friend to pro bono therapist. When it goes from talking with them, to them talking at me, that's when it's time to reevaluate. And now that I've been given some perspective and can see my current whereabouts, I find myself at the fork in the path and wondering if I'm about to, once again, go the same way as with Curious, with Carlos (has it really been a year since I put an end to that whole mess already?!), and several other before them. I don't mind being the friend-in-need friend, just so long as that's not all I am to them. To bring up the bar tending analogy one more time (and really, I'm not that big into drinking), if the right balance between liquors and mixers aren't achieved you're either left with something that tastes flat or something that will lay you out flat, rather than a tasty concoction that gives you a nice, warm, and oh-so-slightly buzzed feeling. I want the warm and fuzzy feeling that a true friendship generates, and not the "taste this…does it taste right to you" drinks being served.

Part of me is paranoid that I'm just being paranoid because I don't want to go through that again so soon. The other part of me thinks the paranoid part of me is reading into things and doesn't want to change course. I don't know which part to listen to. Layer in the concentration breaking ringing in my ears for the past month (more on that later) and, well, I'm vexed. Maybe the best action to take is to sit here at the fork in the path for a little while longer and when my head fog clears up if I'll be able to see down each path a little further. Oh how I wish I could just use Google maps for this!