Laying down the law

Have you ever lived with roommates? Me too. A lot. For the past 10 years in fact. And in those 10 years I've shared living spaces with roughly 18 other people. Not all at the same time, of course. And in that decade there were some really great roomies, and some tragic losers. Some really unforgettably awesome moments, and some moments that have me questioning if murder should really be illegal if your roommate (or roommate's significant other) is a psycho douche-bag.

This post will be about the latter. And it should be known that while I promised a good and bitchy posting, this one is not the one originally planned. No, that one shall have to wait. But fear not, the originally planned post was based on family so chances are good that fuel will be added to the bitch-fire between now and the time I post it.

I run a 50/50 chance that at least one of my roommates might see this. It's hard to not let your "secret blog identity" slip out during a casual conversation of what same-sex male modeling (aka: gay pr0n) sites are all the rage right now. (Don't judge me. You know you want to know too.) But I shall post this anyway in fear that if I don't I won't be able to sleep. Besides, I'm waiting in line to IM with someone who is busy chatting with his girl friend. And by "chatting" I mean they're probably having cybersex.

So where to begin? Well, hows about a quick recap of the players:

• T-Snake (aka: the str8 roommate with the mean trouser snake)
  
• Cuntessa (aka: the str8 roommates unfortunate girlfriend)
  
• Carlos (aka: the gay roommate who I've been great friends with for close to a decade)
  
• GKR (Kenny Ray, owner of this sinking ship)
  
• with a special appearance by, Charo!
  

Flash back to a few weeks ago when T-Snake cut off his balls again and got back together with his rude, annoying, selfish, immature, bright-as-a-broken-lightbulb of a girlfriend, Cuntessa. Yeah, that was enough to push me over the edge. But then he left for spring break and I didn't have to see either of them for more than a week. A week of almost pure heaven. Even Carlos and I stopped bickering as much. There were no late night smoke alarms blaring, Carlos and I were actually able to enjoy our own food without it vanishing into the succubus, and even the stench of his room returned to a less-than-gag inducing discomfort level. But all good things must come to an end and he returned. While he didn't bring either of us souvenirs from his trip to Europe, he did return with a pretty serious case of blue balls which meant that Teri would be spending the night. Someone, kill me, please. I mean hell, even Carlos and I offered to "help him out" if it meant keeping her away. We were ready to take one for the team… now that's true courage!

T-Snake must have been a jackhammer in a past life, because unless we had an earthquake that didn't make the news, I'm pretty sure he fucked the shit out of her. Several times. If only he had fucked her to death. But then again, that would just lower the resale value on the house I guess. And while it was pretty loud in my room, I could only image that Carlos had to wear ear plugs and bury his head under pillows just to bring it down to a dull roar.

That was last week. This week brought more visits by Cuntessa, the stench reprising its role, and T-Snake smoking pot in the living room (which I've said is not allowed before). But what really pushed my buttons is what happened when I got back from visiting my ailing dad (he's doing a bit better, thanks for asking) over the weekend. I came home to find that Cuntessa finally bought her own groceries, left them out on the stove, spilled fake Cherrios on the kitchen floor, didn't clean them up, and had the fucking nerve to label her food so that no one else would eat it. OH. MY. FCUKING. GOD. Is she serious? After guzzling Carlos' and my soy milk… after steam-shoveling my "top shelf" peanut butter into her obnoxious face (after being told not to eat our food)… after ASKING us to make her something to eat like we're fucking Denny's and just here to cater to her desires she has the nerve to move her food in? HELLS NO. This ends once and for all.

I've set a house meeting for the middle of this month and I'm laying down the law. And not just for that. There's a ton of other shit that needs to be addressed. And it will be… it… will… be…. But that's about all I can say here, again, just in case Carlos or T-Snake is reading this. Get ready boys, this has been a long time coming. And it's coming hard. Wait. That didn't sound right. Screw it, I'm going to bed.

(And yes, I'm still "on hold" waiting for my buddy to finish pixel-fucking. Wow. This is the bitchiest I've been in a while, and yet, I feel better now. Enjoy it while it lasts!)